How to Sabotage Life and Friendships...

I think I may have PMT. I am not 100% sure - not got any tell tale cramps yet - but all other signs are there. Crying over nothing - check. Lashing out at people I care about for no good reason - check. Wanting to die because I simply don't see the point anymore - check. 

The reason I am not 100% sure is because I never get PMT anymore. I have been on some form of contraception for the last - what - 13 years? So I have rarely had to deal with it. But I have had to stop taking the pill as Dr wants me to see if I lose any weight while I am not on it. She also wants me to go for blood tests again to check my hormone levels. She suspects I have Polycystic Ovaries, which would account for a hell of a lot of the symptoms I have been having. Still, all this is well and good, but here comes the fun part...the complete loss of emotional control I get when I have PMT.

Today I have managed to lash out a two different friends and upset and hurt them both FOR NO GOOD REASON. I read something wrong, read too much into something, lashed out and Bang! Two hurt, confused and angry friends. Not sure how I can fix it. Apologising doesn't really cut it when you have hurt someone and they have no idea why. Trouble is, PMT (if thats what it is) does make me worse, but just me being me, this happens anyway.

I always seem to be able to read into things completely the wrong way. If a negative can be taken from a conversation, comment, whatever, I will find it. Depression, self loathing, paranoia, lack of confidence - they are the reasons but I always feel like I am making an excuse. I know myself well enough to know I need to calm myself down and think things through instead of just reacting. I nearly always react inappropriately. But do I listen to myself? No. I lash out, lose friends. And no wonder.

Experimentation...

Don't get excited!! I'm just trying out a new font on the blog. I am still not sure how all this works to be honest - and as for how I manage to get followers I have no idea!

Plus - Any clue how I can 'prettify' the place? I love the pink background, but would like some pictures or something...I guess since I have no followers yet I will have to find out for myself ;)

Busy day at work today, will just have to wait and see how many things I have managed to cock up the last few weeks on Monday - I'm sure I will get told off for something :( Joy.

Still - I am going away for the weekend! Andy and I are going to Whitby for a long weekend - a colleague of his bought a non-refunadable stay at www.discoveryaccommodation.com, and then realised he couldn't go as he is moving this weekend! So Andy and I are going instead. To say I am excited is an understatement - I seriously can't wait! It was almost a year ago that we went to Whitby and got engaged, so it feels a little like fate that this weekend has come up. Expect a photo heavy blog when I get back!

For now, here are some pictures of Whitby to inspire you :)

Whitby Abbey

The Endeavour

Hugs!
Marie xxx

Really Must...

Keep on with this...I write a post and then just forget about it...

Latest in my world? Wedding has been postponed as we need to pay off debts and save to move.

I am starting to feel more comfortable with my size - 5ft2 and a size 20 - but now it seems no-one else is! Irritating!

This blog http://www.lilybobombslovelylumps.com/ has really inspired me to try new fashion, embrace my shape. Mhairi is a friend from years and years ago, and she is wonderful. The fact she writes such amazing blogs is a bonus!

Anyway - I may post soon when I have my new swimdress to review :)

Marie xxx

I have returned...

Been a while! That said, I see no-one has really been reading my singular post, so I guess I have not been missed ;)

I am now engaged to be married - but I am still fat.

I have also been tentatively diagnosed with PCOS, which means that losing weight is going to be even harder. I have been trying to diet, but damn! It's so hard! The new job makes me want to comfort eat on an almost constant basis. Not good. I am lucky I think that this year so far the weather has been total shite, I have not been as sweaty and uncomfortable as I usually am during summer.

I know, it's my fault. Grow a pair and lose some weight. Get off my lard arse and do a workout. But what do you do when you just cannot be bothered? No matter how I try to motivate myself, I just can't stick to anything longer than a week...

"You are planning to marry in 2 years! Do you want to be a UK 20 then?!" - Got 2 years yet!

"You walk to work and are hot a sweaty and minging. Lose a bit and you will be fine!" - I have alwasy been a sweaty cow. Weight loss may help a bit, but not much...

"You are at so much more risk of terrible diseases because you are OBESE" - I smoke like a chimney, so I am probably going to die of something nasty anyhow.

And thats just a few! See what I mean? I have reasons for not losing weight that - although are crap - seem to motivate me more than reasons to lose weight. This is not good. I am a stereotypical fat girl - too lazy to do anything about my weight.

Vicious cycle!!!

Day One...

I've always fancied keeping a diary/blog/ramble...but I fail at it all the time. I can just never be arsed...but hey ho, I may as well try it anyway. I'm sure I will fail!
So...a little about me. 30 something. Like Tattoos. In temporary employment I desperately wish was permanent. Waiting for the other half to pop 'the question'. I have cats. Oh, and I am fat. Very short in height, and very round around the middle. I do exercise, but as most larger ladies will tell you, willpower is nil, so when chocolate calls I can't help but answer...actually, I could ignore it. But then it wouldn't be a problem would it?
Anyway...I really can't be bothered to write more at the moment. I know, I know, whats the point I hear you ask? Well, I've taken the first step to writing a blog. Maybe soon I will get off my fat bum and lose some weight...watch this space!
<3 Deluxe